Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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