If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
