Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
