she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
