i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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