So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
