Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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