I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
operation have a gay friend backfired
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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