He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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