My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
