I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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