I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize