Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
