Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The air taste purple.
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