just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
