I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
