Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
