I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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