i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
