I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
