i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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