I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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