Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
