I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize