I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
