Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
