y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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