I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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