explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Enjoy the penises
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
