she pinky promised me she was 18
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
