1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
