There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
