i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Is Oprah even human
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
