you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
