I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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