Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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