Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
