Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
