Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
