i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
