Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
