Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
