Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
