i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
