Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
