I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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