Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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