I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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