Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
