Acid is not a monday night drug
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
