she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
