I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He better not be in your backpack
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
