If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
