how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Come share oat with me in your robe
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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