Will you blow on my dice?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
