Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize