I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
