it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
if only i could text you this smell
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he fucked my hip out of place.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
