the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
